Monday, January 21, 2008
In the past 20 years in FCBC, I realised a few things about my heart and about the operations of the church.
In the years that I have been in FCBC, I came to a point to realise that I have been trying to meet expectations. Expectations of leaders who keep telling me that I am not good enough. That I do not measure up to the level of certain things. Then I really started to rebel against such leaders because I do not see grace. I do not see discipleship. All I see from such leaders is condemnation and planting of guilt. I do not blame them because many of them were brought up in church in such a similar manner. Some could grow because of their own walk with God. Many just left the church disappointed, disheartened, disillusioned... I was at such a point. I was simply unable to hear and obey the leaders anymore. My head told me to submit but my heart lacked the emotional capacity to obey even when I wanted. I lacked the capacity to do so.
Many times, I showed rebellion and I did not obey my leader. When I shared my heart, all I met with was that I needed to do this or that. Then when I questioned their roles as leader, they just told me I need God. Since that was so, I felt that there was no need for cell then. Since a cell such as this is only functional, to meet and discuss bible, to sing worship songs and play games... What good was such a cell? To me, I rather not have it and go on my own way to not go church and be with God alone. That was why I mentioned: THIS CHURCH HAS NO LOVE!
I meant what I said for the situation then. That was how I felt about the situation and the leaders that I faced. I was prepared to leave the church then and I issued an ultimatum to God there and then. I told Him if I was to go through life like this in church, I rather no church at all. God heard my prayers and sent me my present leader to guide me in ways of acceptance and taught me how to learn to grow once more. I do not say I did not act up nor was I able to lead. I was just wanting to rest and recuperate from the mess that I was in. He gave me the room to do so and challenged me each step of the way, giving me room to grow and feel loved again.
This was when I learnt to start feeling my heart again and can begin to appreciate church again. This is the true G12 vision. To disciple and journey through the process with your spiritual son/daughter, having the grace and acceptance for your children when they fall yet discipline in love and not through guilt. I felt that when the G12 vision was introduced, I was skeptical about it because if it was running a structure and missing on the heartbeat of discipleship, all will fail once more. It's never about the system but it's always been the heart.
I can only say that in Jiajun's cell, there is now a healthy way of discipleship. That's why there is depth in the cell. Each one is growing because they see the impartation of life. They also feel loved and accepted and are also challenged to grow. Growing not in the sense of trying to meet expectations but to do so because they are really propelled by loving God and love from God.
Logging off now. Will write more on this...
What Kind of Girl Will You Fall For? | |
 | You will fall for the cutie. You like girls with a personality. She's got to have a nice smile and a sense of humor. Although she doesn't have to be a model, she has to be that girl-next-door. |
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Thanks to all the blogs i referred to (countless) for html code help :) (esp. cyn' and sixseven)
Adobe Photoshop Elements for supernatural abilities
